Here at Concern.org™ we understand that you’re a simmering cassoulet of sadness, gin and unrealised potential. We’re here to capitalise on your seemingly limitless reserves of brooding resentment by allowing you to express your often misdirected outrage without having to do anything meaningful, like actually protest, sign real petitions or compose your own thoughts in a coherent manner. We realise your time is important to you and that clicking links takes time, so we have crafted an electronic uber-petition to allow you to address all your grievances at once, safe in the knowledge that it will promptly disappear into the ether without having been read by anyone, let alone tabled in parliament.
We have chosen to target the General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea because a) he is getting a lot of press and therefore provides decent link-bait and b) because he’s exactly as likely to read and act on this as anyone else:
Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un,
I am writing to urge you to take action on behalf of the decent people who think like I do because I am having strange and powerful emotions. I have taken moderate to deep offence because [select from the following]:
- Somebody said something on a radio program I don’t listen to
- Somebody wrote something in a publication I don’t read
- There are too many characters in Game of Thrones and I am confused
- Their ABC
- I am woman, hear me petition
- I just like signing stuff
- Brown people are a bit frightening
- I am in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship
- Helen Fucken Razer
- All of the above
I hereby demand that you address my concerns in a timely and apologetic manner or I shall be compelled have more emotions. Please don’t force my hand.
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