K: Nick Sowden, thank you for talking with me. Your recent comments on the social media site ‘Twitter’ have sparked an outcry among the online community which has led to your expulsion from the Liberal party. For clarification, would you care to explain to your former colleagues what Twitter is, and to Senator Stephen Conroy what the internet is?
N: A pleasure, Kerry. Twitter is a tool that allows everybody to say incredibly dumb things and have them read by the entire world in real time. Its main function within the Liberal party is for our smarter members to announce their retirement.
K: Our members?
N: Oh yeah. I’ve got to stop doing that now. For the benefit of Senator Conroy the internet is a magical place where spotty geeks become high elves and middle aged perverts go to pray for an internet filter, so they can go back to the business of P2P file sharing child pron unscrutinised.
K: Your remarks labelling President Obama a monkey have been seen as an insult to all people of African descent, as well as indigenous Australians. It has also come under fire from the simian community. If I may quote: “Sure I might like to fling my own shit around, but appointing Hilary as head off state is a bridge too far”. How do you respond to that?
N: Look, I know what I said was insensitive and I apologise for any offence I’ve caused. I’m twenty two years old and obviously have a lot to learn about the impact of my words. I assumed that as a Young Liberal National Party member I was expected to speak without thinking. Hell, Barnaby has made a career out of it. What did I do that was so different?
K: We may come back to that point. #alot of Tony Abbott’s ‘housewives’ have also criticised your tweet regarding Kristina Keneally. To whit: “stupid bitch, you’re not in the kitchen anymore”.
They have pointed out that for the most part the ironing is done in the lounge room, and that the toilet doesn’t clean itself. Do you have anything to say to them?
N: Again, I hold the mainstream Liberal position on this issue. I am for women’s rights and think it was probably a good idea to give them the vote. We embrace women in the Liberal party. We don’t sniff their chairs. Oh. I’m doing it again, sorry.
K: That’s OK. You must feel somewhat disenfranchised at how your former party has dealt with this issue. Were you hard done by?
N: Absolutely. I’ve only said what most in the party think. I’m the victim of factional back biting because I’m a poof, and the far right don’t like my kind.
K: You’re not of the far right?
N: No, of course not. I’m a moderate. You should hear some of those fuckers’ views.
K: To touch on your sexuality for a moment, you must surely be aware that many members within your former party regard homosexuality as an abomination and an illness. They would like to see the gay community rounded up and given a single chance to renounce their lifestyle before being flayed to death with rubber dildos by muscle boys in leather mankinis. A senior party member has revealed to us that the only reason Christopher Pyne is still breathing is because he bakes wonderful cupcakes. How can you align yourself with people who hold such views?
N: While that may all be correct, Kerry, there is a misconception within the community that the LNP is homophobic. That’s patently untrue. I even met Tony Abbott once and he didn’t even douse me in petrol and set me alight. Admittedly I didn’t tell him I’m gay, but he surely would have known. He’s very perceptive.
K: Have you considered realigning yourself with the Greens, given the similarity of your positions on gay marriage and immigration?
N: I’m not ruling anything out at this stage, especially since I’ve heard that Bob Brown can suck the skin off a carpet snake, but I have to say it’s unlikely. I’m a one party guy. I said the same thing when I was with the Democrats, and again when I was with the ALP. A man is defined by his principles, after all. Just like a woman is defined by her deportment.
K: A final question. Your work with ‘Hope for Health’ has largely been overlooked in all this controversy. It seems a very humanitarian endeavour that could potentially be of great benefit to the indigenous community, and somewhat at odds with Wilson Tuckey and the broader National party policy of ‘run the fuckers over with a Land Cruiser’. How do you reconcile the difference in views?
N: I think that Wilson’s well off the mark on this one. These monkeys need medical services, and are entitled to them. Just like they need their welfare garnished and their lands managed. It’s natural justice. Besides, have you ever picked a half cooked coon out of your grill before? It stinks.
K: I think we’ll leave it at that. Nick Sowden, thank you for your time.
N: Fucking niggers.